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Heard
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A
single man wanted someone to help him with the household
chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out.
He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice
on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man
said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a
cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect
pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought,
"I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home.
Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The
centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty
dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all
the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought
the man.
Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and
vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow,
thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down
to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the
centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30
minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and
the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the
centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the
centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the
paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper!
What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on
my boots!"
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the
bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting
them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the
bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to
outrun you…
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her
husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the
pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little
eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls
the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an
explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you
order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah, so sorry," says the waiter, "I
accidentally bring you Peeking duck."
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